Feeling as if my life isn’t actually moving anywhere at this point in time. Stuck in a limbo and not sure how or when I’ll be able to get out.
exhausted. im tired of your manipulative ways. its like you dont even care about us. or what we’ve helped you with. but no we’ve done nothing for you in the last few years isnt that right? i feel as this is the final straw. the relationship is irreparable. it’s hard to even look you in the eye any more. i once idolised you, and now i really dont see much but disappointment.
for now, trying to give my heart and soul peace, and i do this not for you, but for the little one and for those who have invested so much time, love and faith into you.
last chance. get your fucking act together.
2012 is coming to an end. In twenty three hours another year will be gone. I keep telling myself years are going by so fast and I sometimes wish that time would just stand still just so that we could appreciate what we have for a little while longer.This year was good for me; so much has happened. It started off with some dramas and has ended with some pretty big issues. But even though the last month has been hard, in general I have had such a good year. And am hoping that 2013 will be even better. I have so many dreams and wishes but there’s no way for me to know what will happen so I just hope that it will be a good one.
2012 bought along some great memories, not just with friends but with family and external family. I think this year I became closer to many close friends family, to the point where I dont ever feel as if I’m intruding. countless nights spent at the hoe family dinner table will actually be best thing about this year. day and night we spent slaving away on assignments due the next morning, cups and cups of tea were drank and spilt, 7pm ritual masterchef dinner break, numerous gossip sessions, one attempted intervention, hours spent pretending to study but really watching glee, 4am singalongs. theses are some of the the memories i have of that wooden table that i spent more time at than anywhere else.
ive made new friends this year, and become better friends with others. i have many friends whom this year i have been able to rely and trust and hopefully they felt as if i reciprocated. friendship have definitely strengthen not only through dramas but just the ability to let them strengthen. there are people whom i never would have thought we’d be anything but acquaintances and now call some of my closest friends. im so grateful to my friends, old and new. they have given me so much life, laughter and happiness. they have also help me to make myself more open and available to all sorts of things. 2012 saw me willingly go out and maybe its the 21st that have been occurring, but ive had numerous nights at alumbra and love machine where i have drank to much, danced the night away and made some hilarious mistakes. stories that i look back on now, and although embarrassed i have so many stories that just make me laugh at my stupidness. this year was the year of the 21st - so i have a valid reason as to why i always was a drunk bitch. have to say a quick thank you to M&D for allowing me to have such a fantastic evening.
i also believe i achieved so much this year. i feel as if i did put myself out there a lot more this year, and have repped the benefits. one of my proudest achievements was completing my first 10km run in melbourne without stopping, and then following it up with a 14km run. the preparation that i undertook was so dedicated i dont know how or where it came from. it really showed to me that even though i felt like giving up sometimes, i just had to push through that little extra distance and i would on top of the moon. my heart is so happy with what ive achieved.
this year also saw a lot of adventures. both interstate and overseas. countless trips on the bus to and from banksia with kids on board. in the beast ive spent a lot of time in my car. seeing as there is no radio, ive been able to reflect a lot about myself and have a lot of time just in my thoughts. this is something that has both frustrated but also has become a space for me. also numerous planes that saw me bound to sydney, brisbane, vietnam, cambodia and hongkong. having the chance to embrace the different cultures and enjoy life.
2012 has been such a overall fantastic year and though generally upset saying goodbye, i just look forward to 2013. i already know that the first six months will be incredibly busy, and hard. whether or not its a good year for me, i can definitely say that it is going to be an interesting year. i look forward to what life has to offer. in the new year, there are many things that i would like to achieve, and still improve about myself. a couple of things that i’d like to aim towards is being a better person everyday. too smile more. too make the effort to help others. make sure that im being honest with myself and others. stop being so scared and just go for it. because there will not be another chance.
as the new year comes knocking at the door, make sure you embrace it with open arms. remember that not everything is set in stone, plans change. you just have to allow it to take its course and hope for the best. be your best. dont let anyone get in your way. life is so giving, take it while we can. so to all my friends and family thank you for be a constant in my life and giving my continuous love and support. i wish all of you, friends and family, much happiness and laughter. may all your dreams come true.
happy new year.
14km is fucking long. mentally and physically, it was tough. em came over in the morning, and found me lying in bed. she climbed in and while we lay there, all we could think was “what the fuck are we doing?” “why the fuck did we willingly sign up to run 14km?”. i hadn’t run since the melbourne marathon 10km for more than 20mins (and that was just on the treadmill), after 2 weeks of eating badly and not exercising properly cos of exams, i definitely was not feeling this run. paul drove us in and we picked up josie on the way. was pretty scatty when waiting at the start line, took our obligatory pics
and when 8:30 rolled around was gearing myself up to run. first 5kms went like a flash. was feeling good, set a good pace for myself, had some great tunes. hit 7kms, where we started running around albert park lake. this was cruel. it was hot, i was sweating balls by this stage. there wasnt any shade whatsoever, the sun was just beaming down on us like a laser and i could feel myself just burning, which i just dont. the next 2km were completed not with ease but when i saw the 9km, i wasnt in the best mental place. was keen on stopping to walk but managed to just tell myself not yet. from 10km onwards became hell. each km was so far. my feet were forming blisters, my right arm was losing circulation, and somehow managaed to get chaffing on my arm. everything was painful. there were times when the wind was keeping me cool, and then we turned around corners, it felt like i was running right into it which didn’t help me at all. no songs were bring me any motivation and i could only just tell myself to keep one foot moving in front of the other. a few times when run down beaconsfield pde i was so keen on just cutting the circuit short and just pretending i was some awesome runner who just finished it within x amount of time but my pride got in the way haha. anyway, managed to cross the finish line without stopping, i had so much lactic acid in my legs when i stopped running thought i was legit about to pass out from dehyrdation & exhaustion. tiredly grabbed my medal and stumbled around trying to find em, luce, mils and josie. after having lunch, was so exhuasted but had to work for 6hours. that was seriously the worst decision i ever made. was on my feet all night. did not enjoy walking back and forth with customers.
can say that i am proud of all our efforts. it was a tough run. but it was worth it. today ive been wincing everytime i move, stairs have been an ultimate nightmare, especially walking down. my whole body is screaming at me. but my heart is so proud of my achievement that each burn i tell myself that it was worth it (even tho im sulking like a bitch) haha.
dream team (minus mel) and include a few more, we rock. but im going to be a hiatus on the 21km for now. give me time to recover and mentally prepare myself for the pain you will inflict on me.
if i pass today (which is still highly unlikely) it’s all cos of andy. pretty much taught me physiology 101 tonight. still pretty screwed, but better than what i’d be if andy wasnt around, managed to prevent me from having massive breakdown. he’s gonna make the best doctor. so proud of him!
freedom in 12hours yo!
been at swinburne library for over 12+ hours, leaving only twice for lunch and dinner. pretty productive from 5pm onwards when i realised how absolutely fucked i was. but today, taught myself 10 weeks of lecture notes in the 12hours…by writing it all out. now my hand is artharitis is playing up and im starting to see shit. getting ready to drink my sorrows away on thursday night! .. but really.
I have now come to the realisation that drinking until I die was not a good move on pre-birthday- day. If anything, do on actual birthday night! Didn’t think it through, had too much white wine, tequila and a whole of something else that just ended with my demise. However, drinking with the girls at Sus’ birthday pres, catching up with both of my MLC crews was highly entertaining .. and awkward. Seriously, who let Lou make us try and feed each other cake? That was just plain fucking weird. Haha. Took Sus, Alex and Dani to Love Machine to experience their first asian clubbing experience, and it was epic fun. Jealous guy I met at club, Alvin? Allen? To be honest, I just nodded when he said, cos look one working ear in a nightclub just doesnt go down well, anyway that guy, not so much fun. Andy Ho, coming to celebrate ensured a lot of laughs. As did the table top-dancing, that I wish to have eliminated from memory…but with photographic evidence, it doesnt look like I’ll be forgetting anytime soon. 4am came and I stumbled way home to do some taticals before bed..woke up at 10am feeling goood. Like a boss. Made our way to Pour Kids in Malvern, only to have to wait for over 30mins for a table for 9. Boss feeling was diminishing Tactical was a fail, however food was amazing. Hashbrown with chorizo, and something else. Heaven. Couldnt finish it. By the end of breakfast, I was full struggling. Be, was not too excited to have me in her car, but I held on. Laughing that all the songs that played was reflecting how I felt and the situation I was in. Got home to finally get to open Weinlich present. He’s a star. Pass the parcel style of wrapping. It was fun ripping into the boxes to find a Bombers jersey - Essendon Premiers 2013! - then I crashed. Sorry to Crowls & Sus & Dani & Joyce. Fell asleep until had to wake up to get ready for dinner at Rockpool. Absolutely shattereed that I couldnt full enjoy my meal there. I love Rockpool, and didnt even get to have a sip of the Bourdeux Cab Sav. Throughout dinner, had to just make trips to the bathroom because I was just feeling so naseous. Mum was hilarious and thought I had a stomach ache, which I definitely ran with. Steak was beautiful though, only thing I could stomach and actually enjoy. And that was a wrap to my stupidly hungover 21st birthday. I had fun regardless.Crowley bought me flowers, Joyce made this amazing looking cake, Dani bought over balloons. Sus bought me a gorgeous George Jensen 2012 Artist Collection necklace, Aunty Lana gave me a red packet and Caro & Mikey bought me a Bvlgari Save the Children ring. It is a day I’ll definitely wont forget anytime soon, thank you to all who came to celebrate with Paul and I. You guys are the reason why I have a smile on my face even though I’m writing this at a ridiculous hour.
Saying goodbye to alcohol… until November 30th. Smashing it big time that night. *Making sure taticals actually work this time too!*
In mid august, I signed up for the 10kms and wasn’t sure if I’d survive… Well after 2months of pretty persistent training, I finished the 10kms without stopping in an hr (give or take a few mins). Before signing up 2months ago, there was no way that I would’ve willingly trained every day for this race. During the last 8 weeks, I’ve forced myself out of bed at 6am to go for runs, made post-run protein smoothies - which taste fucking foul, cut back on all the bad foods, routed tracks on mapmyrun, prepared intensely with Ashley (personal trainer), organised run dates with dream team - that rarely occurred.. did fartlek training which actually made me want to die after each minute. I’ve injured myself but still ran with busted ankles, sore knees and shin splints. Every run was dreaded. Well all of the this, lead up to today’s race, and can say it was a good solid run. The excitement from all the other 30,000 entries was contagious and pushed me to keep moving and get to the finish line. I’m really happy that I was able to finish it, and I’m pretty content with my times, by no means am I fast, but I know that just last week I was running 6.30m/km and today I ran 6.04m/km .=) So I’m happy with my small improvements..
Massive thanks to Em Be for constantly providing me with so much inspiration and moral support. wouldn’t have signed up or been able to complete it without you. And to Dream team, we are going to reach those goals…we just got to get together first haha.
10km Melbourne Marathon crossed off the bucket list.
before the run
after the run, digging into our well deserved brunch at porgies & mr jones
4:51 PM, STILL sitting by my phone like a 13 year old teenager who just texted their crush…
monday - wednesday
sus and i decided that we wanted to get away and just go somewhere for a few days so we planned with jessy, jas and mel to have a girls trip down to her property in flinders over the midsem break. sus drove me down, and mel followed behind us in her car because she wasnt going to stay for the whole time cos of work. we went shopping for food and wine (before i got picked up, i went with caro to vic street to help her with her groceries, and she was super nice and bought us all these fruits and pork buns - sick tits! Sus thought it was major cute because it was like she was preparing for her kid lol).
i love her place in flinders, it actually looks like a scene out of pride and prejudice. the plan was just to relax, especially after the last week where i got fucking killed by assignments. awkwardly got down there and set up the ps3 to realise that i had forgotten the bloody controllers which meant that we couldn’t watch any movies at all.. so Sus called up Alex (bf) and he was more than willing to come down with his ps3 controllers. soooo nice. we said that he should stay, i mean, it would be so rude if he just dropped off the controllers and then us tell him to just piss off. the first night literally consisted of us eating fish and chips, drinking cider and g&t, playing “scatagories”, watching v for vendetta (well they watched while i passed out literally from the start) and playing random ps3 games. we passed out at lik 2/3am and everyone but me woke up late the next day. Was up at like 8:30am just sitting in my room waiting for someone to get up, by 9:30, I’d had enough and went outside to play boxing on the PS3, which is what Sus and Jessy woke up and found me doing. Sus and I cooked brunch (eggs and bacon) for everyone and because I had made sure that we had all the ingredients also made white choc-chip scones. jessy, jess and alex definitely were loving life. we played some more games on the ps3 before jessy and jess had to head back to melbs.. then after having a shower, Sus, Alex and I took Yogi on a massive beach walk. Major third wheeeeler. but forever alone so getting used to playing the third wheeler. hahaha. Nah it was super nice day to go for a walk. we walked for ages on the beach, and really appreciated the weather and just being relaxed. Alex was talking to me about everything in relation to hiking, to egyptology and so on, not going to lie, sometime i just nodded or said “oh yeah” but i had no idea what he was saying because id tuned out…sozzle bozzle. Anyway got back to the house and I decided to give them so alone time and went for a walk around her property. Grabbed some firewood and kindling..looked like some bushmen coming back in my boots and holding a staff like Gandalf. Tried to climb bollards in my jeans, and ended up bloody ripping them. so awks. Then we all made dinner which was Spag Bologense (hells yeahh), drank red wine ate cheesecake that Caroline had bought. After that, the three of us had major COD wars against each other, actually got shit naseous trying to keep up with what was going out but pretty funny how we all got really into it. Ended the night by watching Dark Knight before passing out.
Woke up early again, and went out side and sat on her sunbed reading while waiting for them to get up. Then made white choc-chip pancakes for breaky, and we ate it outside. fucking good weather. Sus and I stripped to tan whilst Alex went exploring. He was gone for ages, and then found him climbing a tree. Was not going to let him have all the fun so followed after him to Sus’ horror. Haven’t climbed a tree since summer 09’ .. missed the adrenaline that I get! Alex coxed us into exploring Sus’ property cos she has never seen much, and i lead..pretty much just went into every thick bush that i could find. Stupidly wore shorts, so have all these scars up and down my legs from the saw grass that i lead us through. heyyy sexy..We chilled for a couple more hours watching movies and eating before heading back to Melb.
Love spending time with Sus, even if its with the boyf and i love being down at her property, its actually one of the most tranquil places because there is literally no distributions at all. Had a really good couple days of just eating, drinking and doing a whole lot of nothings.
crowley and i decided to go on a little impromptu “holiday” up to Brisbane to catch some sun and participate in a physical activity study where it was estimating my bone, muscle & fat mass as well as fitness level.. so went up on sunday, and spent all day at dream world & white water world ( had no idea there was two water theme parks). crowley and i tried out all the water rides, well she chickened out of the “wedgie” which is when youre standing vertical and the floor below you just vanishes and you fall down the slide and get a wedgie. haha so much fun!! we’d tanned throughout the rides, and were just enjoying the sun. when the water theme park closed, we moved over to dreamworld, we only had an hour so we literally ran around taking photos. i tried to convince crowley to go on the giant drop, which is 119m tall and you drop at 135kmph, but she wasnt having a go. went also on the buzzsaw, which was pretty epic ride. i was laughing through out the whole ride because the girl infront was actually shittting herself! only thing crowley went to was laser tag, which was shiiittt! really boring but we killed it though, fucking cia agents in disguise!
the next couple days was just chilling and completing the study. it was good to get away for a couple days. we stayed with meri, who was conducting the study, and man they go to bed early. they;d be complaining at 8:30 that it was so late and go to bed, and they would get up at 5:30am to go for runs. the shittt? but her housemates were really cool. decided that crowley and i would be awesome housemates!
this was due to the fact that i came back from brisbane and left my 2000 word research assignment to the very last day. i literally couldnt form the words to write it. all nighters were pulled. i had 3 hours sleep OVER 4 days…to this very moment, my head hurts trying to work out how many hours i was awake. i’ve given up trying to work it out. big thanks to ho for staying up with me and encouraging me to finish my assignment, especially when my word doc decided to die on me after I’d written half the assignment. i literally got to the point where i was so exhausted, that I couldn’t keep my eyes open and was actually writing gibberish in my essay. anything that came into my head was put into my essay..would have been hilarious if i’d submitted it! haha. so now i’m making up for lost sleep with heaps of naps… can’t complain tooo much i guesss.
I don’t think I will ever learn my lesson. Currently trying to push out a 2000 word essay (who am I kidding, with the 10% give or take rule, I’m trying to get 1800 words) and for the last fucking 12 hours, I have only managed to get 300 words. Gah. Seriously feel like as the years gone by, I’m not getting any better at Uni work or essays but even worse. Motivation for Uni is significantly low. Just another four more years until I actually graduate with something decent to my name… Yay.
Why couldn’t I be just gifted with words? Life would just be so much easier.
will i drink so much that it takes me literally over 24hours to get over my hangover. bodies not recovering as it used too..
Celebrated Sus’ 21st yesters! I woke up early, went for a walk with Lysanne then quickly ran and got Sus a sausage and egg mcmuffin breaky meal from Maccas, and bought it to her with a 21st balloon. Yay.
She was loving life sick. Ended up driving her into Melbourne Uni because she was running late. After dropping her off, went home had a nap because I had an absolute heinous sleep that night, woke up, drove Paul to work then drove to Camberwell and Malvern and stocked up on a massive amount of lollies and just junk to put into Sus’ gift box and bought her an ice-cream cake.
Can’t believe how much I spent on just pure junkfood today! .. drove home and put the box together, printing out pictures of her favourite things, eg Yogi, David Bowie and TV. Had to literally scrummage through numerous photos to get a picture, but there were none of just us, so had to crop people out…awks. Picked her up and drove to Lam’s house for arvo tea. Lam made the most amazing treats, bloody rockyroad, cookies, chocolate strawberries and brownies..diet was going out the bloody door
After having a good chat, drove her back to hers and was invited to have dinner with her family and Alex. Yong Gou made a asian feast that was just amazing..was eating my heart out. So embarrasing, Nicho (Lis’ bf) started singing happy birthday in Chinese, then Alex sang in French, and then everyone turned to me to sing in Viet, and I just went “what the shit, I have no idea!”.. was not a proud Viet moment. though I’m pretty sure there isnt a viet happy bday.
Sus, is one of my best friends. She’s someone who makes me laugh just because she’s so ridiculous. She is fucking cray..defs one of a kind.
you know how everyone says that “walking clears the mind’? well for me, it does the complete opposite. i cant stop my mind from jumping from problems that im currently facing to what my daily plans are. its just non stop, this goes for running too. i feel as if its the one time that i have time to actually think about the shit that im facing, cos lets face it and, everyone knows I avoid things to the extreme but when I’m walking i have to think about it because well i have no where to go or do. so although im appreciative that i have the time to walk , i font do it as often as i could because im definitely not anymore relaxed, during/after -if anything more stressed afterwards.
whoever gave me this puckin viral throat infection… i hope you start running cos as soon as im better i’ll be coming for you.
p.s realised the doctor i went and saw is an idiot…have a lump near my eye, thats been there for over a month and he says its a pimple…mate i know im an idiot, but i can tell what a pimple looks like. dr-in training- jias to the rescue!
The Colorado shooting this past Friday hit me harder than it should. 12 innocent people where killed, over 50 people are injured, a whole cinema of people and all their families have been traumatised by one cowardly act.
Christopher Nolan expressed his sorrows regarding the shooting “I believe movies are one of the great American art forms and the shared experience of watching a story unfold on screen is an important and joyful pastime. The movie theatre is my home, and the idea that someone would violate that innocent and hopeful place in such an unbearably savage way is devastating to me.” He couldn’t have said it better.
You all know how much of a movie fan I am. Movies define who I am. The excitement of going to the movies, The popcorn, lollies, getting comfortable in the plush seats, getting excited about new movie trailers, discussing all the actors in the film and what movie they been in, all of that plus the after experience of discussing whether or not I liked the film. This is what I love. These people were excited to see the Batman film, a film about fighting injustice and making sure the bad people got what they deserved. They would not ever think about heading to movies, and walking away with an injury or without a loved one returning. It’s so fucking wrong.
I can’t justify at all his (suspects) actions, whether he was bullied or just plain crazy. Though I believe this could not have been just an act of madness, no this was calcuated to cause pain. He didn’t have to kill a 6year old girl who was spending time with her mum, or kill US Army marshalls, who had fought for the freedom of their country or even an aspiring sports journalist who not only 6months ago escaped an toronto mall shooting. No, life is a precious thing that we as human beings value and he took it away unwillingly from people in a vicious manner . This justmakes my heart heavy.
The attacker wanted people to be afraid of going to the movies, he wanted to create terror and make people not want to watch The Dark Knight Rises. In definance, I will go see the movie and enjoy it without any fear. This I promise.
People of Aurora, Colo. You have my love and prayers. I hope you find peace in all this madness one day.
Enrolled myself in a winter subject these holidays because I wanted to only do 3 subjects during Semester 2. Before the week started I was definitely wasn’t looking forward too it, constantly thinking, what the shit was I doing this to myself. Chose Auslan, It’s a subject that I’ve always wanted to do. It will benefit me in the long run since im a deafie.
From the get go it’s was an intense week. I had no idea that my tutor would be fully deaf and pretty much just learnt everything from her simplying it and spelling it out. It was definitely an eye opener. When she started signing, one of the girls said “We dont know what you’re saying” I laughed saying to the girl, mate she can’t hear you.
We learnt so much in that week, but it was fucking hard. I was freaking out about my presentation that I had to do, but had a lot of help from the girls I was sitting with. We helped each other making sure we were doing the right signs. I don’t think my teacher liked me very much, probs cos Charlotte and I were laughing about something during the whole lesson..awks
At the end of the week, we had two major assessments, one being that we had to watch a video of a guy signing and answer the question and retell a joke that he said. The other assesment was us, signing a 5-7minute speech to the assessor and it had to be completely correct. During the video assessment, I turned to one of the girls C, and both of us had our eyes wide open and just went “shit”! We started laughing because we legit had no fucking clue as to what he signed! Our attempt of retelling the joke was pathetic, both of us left just have a good laugh about it…
That week was one of those times that I reminded myself that, when you put yourself out of your comfort zone, you learn something about yourself.. It was a fun week, pretty bloody intense but a lot of fun. Each day I would wake up at 7am and have Uni until 5pm, then go straight to work and afterwards movie night with girls so didnt get to bed til 2am. Exhausted. But now at the end of it all, I can say that I really enjoyed and am glad that I did it because there were so cool people and got to learn Auslan too. With the girls I was hanging out with, I fucking laughed a lot, bout everything. So even though I haven’t been able to retain all the Auslan I’ve been taught - it was still worthwhile just for the laughs. .
Photo: Every time we had a break - everyone pulled out their phones. Typically gen y-er’s haha. totally one of them
currently dog sitting a friends dog, Tigger, while their overseas/QLD. she’s so cute, but she shits me up the wall with her inability to listen to commands. i love how she snuggles with me on the couch, or if im reading on the couch she’ll jump on my feet and just sleep there all day. but i hate when she runs out the house, and dad has to call me from the amazing spiderman telling me that i have to come home to get her back in the house (i had 15mins left not even!!). your cute, but your not worth leaving the movies….