04 11 / 2013
At my own detriment. Lost in a shadow of what I expect / think I deserve, and what is really here.
Don’t know what I’d prefer.
Having all I’ve ever wanted and never being grateful.
Having nothing; and settling for the first thing that comes round.
26 10 / 2013
Currently feeling optimistic.
Need to succeed so that I can do what I want overseas.
Hopefully this will pull me through exams.
18 10 / 2013
I’ll say this once again.
I never thought I could run 5km, let alone 21.1km.
I can’t believe that I can actually say that I’ve done a half marathon.
Never in my wildest thoughts did I ever think that at the age of 21 (almost 22), that I would tick off run a half marathon.
I know I’ve always been sports inclined, but I’ve never enjoyed running, and to be honest; I still don’t.
But after letting the July, Run Melbourne slip by without challenging myself, I allowed myself to be convinced into being one of the thousands of runners who participate in Melbourne Marathorn.
I joined up with 12 weeks to train. I did nothing and only started training at 6 weeks, even so, it wasn’t at the intensity I should have been training.
I was counting down the days. People were reminding me. I was still not actively doing anything.
I started to freak and realised shit, I have 4 weeks and I still haven’t run more than 5kms in the last 11months, how the fuck am I going to run 21km?
One week of intense training, after playing netball with friends, I felt my knee give out. Yeah it’d been giving me some trouble over last few months, but I just ignored it. This one I couldn’t.
My knee ached constantly. Standing, sitting, lying; it was consistently hurting. It would buckle and give out at random times. I couldn’t run on it. Doctor said ACL wasn’t looking too good. I hadn’t torn it but there serious swelling and damage to it. 3 weeks to go. My mind thought “I’m actually fucked.”
In that same week, after giving myself a few days to rest, another injury occurred on a 8km run. This time, it was my left foot. Never have I felt so much pain. The shoes I bought specifically for my run was not properly fitted and was doing some serious damage to my arches. Shoes make or break you. Legit.
After physio and myotheraphy sessions (not sure if Im so keen on the latter..) to my knees and foot, and refitting to new shoes, I was told that I could run.
Literally petrified of the pain that I could come, I didn’t push myself to get out there and run. The longest run since November 2012, when I ran city2sea was 10km a week before.
Saturday night before, I was freaking out. Having to drive to a 21st over 25km away after work didn’t help easy my stress. Got home at 11:30pm, and made sure playlist was ready to go. Had all my glucose gels, had my running belt, bib was ready to rock, clothes all lined out, strapped knees and foot up, I was prepared.
I couldn’t shut my mind off though. Mentally visualising the route. The pain in my body that would come, the shortness of breath, the mental fatigue that would occur. It wouldn’t stop.
That went on for a while. I watched motivational clips, Arnie and Muhammad Ali were great, but couldn’t help ease the pressure. Until I stopped myself and said, fuck it. You know what, you have put so much into this bloody run that you don’t even want to fucking do. You are one of thousands of people who have pushed themselves already to do something different. There is no shame in having to stop because you’re tired because you are lapping every single person that is still sleeping in their comfy beds on a Sunday morning. Run for as long as you can, and to your best ability.
4 hours sleep.
I remember myself standing at the start line. Heaps of people all around us buzzing, I was nervous. Luce and I just really quiet. We just looked at each other and thought what the fuck did we get ourselves into? With one final fist pump, we said goodluck and made our way.
I got bored 5kms in. Mentally I was already tired. I was listening to music and trying to just pass time but I just told myself, whatever just keep moving your legs. I ran with people, who had no Idea I was running with them. I couldn’t keep up with some, and ran ahead of others who pissed me off. At 10kms, I was running slowly, and this was already more than I expected to run. Glucose gel pumped me up real good. I just told myself, you can walk at the next km, then the next km. Then it got to 15kms, and I could tell I was on my final stretch. My knees were aching, I could feel a blister on my foot, I was hungry and had a stitch at the same time. But I imagined the last 6kms; I could see that finish line. I imagined that the people on the streets were cheering for me… and not the loved one that they were actually there for. I laughed when I saw people actually holding signs saying “Ryan Goslings at the finish line waiting for you…”.
My pace picked up in the last 2kms, I could feel it. Whilst people stopped to walk up the bridge, I knew that once I stopped there I wouldn’t resume, so whilst the burn hurt going up, it felt fucking good going down.
There is nothing better than seeing the MCG and the finish line and knowing that you’ve just run a half marathon. Everyone looked like they were a hundred years old. My body felt like it was well over 100 years old when I stopped. I could hardly move. Every step after hurt. But it was worth it.
I’m happy that I did it, I ran the whole 21.2km in 2hrs 19mins.
Whilst I would have liked to have gotten close to the 2hour mark, but I shouldn’t complain. I felt that I was running at a pace that my body was happy to be pushed. Any harder, and I don’t think that I would have been able to complete the whole thing without stopping. I invested so much time, money and myself into this run, I was going to finish it.
The human body is amazing. We are able to achieve so much through mental strength even if our bodies are not at our physically best. The challenges we face on a daily basis can make us grow stronger and see that we are able to push the boundaries and rise up above.
The people you surround yourself also make such a difference. I wouldn’t have ever done this run with Luce. I wouldn’t have been able to run 5km if it weren’t for my trainer. I wouldn’t have even thought it was possible without the support of my friends.
Who knows, maybe next years post will be “What teh Fuck, did I really just run a Marathon?”
To conclude, ask yourself, “What can I do to be become a better, stronger person”?
07 9 / 2013
may you find eternal peace wherever you may be. thank you for all the love you shared. you constantly took the time to ask questions about my life and made me feel apart of your family. we miss you and your craziness, but are so glad that youre no longer in pain. i promise to look after your girls and keep them in line. much love aunty. xx
01 9 / 2013
I know I should be happy. I know that I have so much to be thankful for, but cant help but just feel like nothing in my life is going according to plan.
I feel like I’m running along side a train that has just taken off, my arms are outstretched trying to take a leap but I’m being held back by all theses bags weighing me down. I’m still able to just kept up with the train but instead of leaping onto the platform; I’m hesitating because I don’t know where the trains taking me. I see friends waving frantically from the inside, encouraging me on, or other friends who were running along side with me, easily step onto the train.
I’m worried, heart palpitation-worried, that I’m missing out on so much of what I have to give because of my baggage and hesitation.
But I can’t see any way to relieve this anxiety. Not for a while.
06 7 / 2013